No am gays
by eltitere
Summary: Toki and Skiwsgaar find themselves together alone, what will they do? Kinky things of course! Skiwsgaar/Toki
1. Found you

Fandom: Metalocalypse

Pairing: Skiwsgaar/Toki

Rating: M

Charles Foster Ofdensen was annoyed at the boys. Not angry, no. His anger was reserved for special occasions and even more special people. The man in the metal mask flashed in his mind momentarily.

No, Dethklok members did not get that reaction from him. However, they did have a knack for getting on his nerves. Right now they were in Denmark for a concert and to apologize to the royal family for the injuries the crown prince and the queen had received during Murderface's birthday party.

As per usual Dethklok way, the band had somehow managed to perforate the crown prince's lung and destroy half the Amalienborg Palace. Fortunately their concert tickets had sold out and they had made more than enough money in merch to pay off the repairs. The Dethpencils, which was actually a regular black pencil with a skull eraser, was selling well enough for them to buy another jet or make more additions to Mordhouse.

Still Charles felt that the band needed to be...punished for their obnoxious behaviour. Not directly, because he'd never hear the end of it and they might try to hire a new manager again. But he knew he could do something in particular to put knock down the boys a peg.

"I cannot believe we have to get a hotel room like the regular jack-offs." Nathan complained.

"I'm sorry boys, but this is the only arrangement we could make-last minute after the jet broke. I have people working on it around the clock, so you should back on it and back on tour by tomorrow morning."

They walked into the lobby, the band members with absolutely nothing but their own clothes (save for Skwisgaar and his guitar) and Charles with three suitcases. He did not expect any of them to pack anything useful, so he had taken the liberty of getting a change of clothes and an emergency supply of liquor and condoms in each bag. He was almost surprised that they had agreed to put on coats, normally they needed to be nagged to show some common sense.

As he went up to the clerk to check in, Nathan turned around and did a mental headcount of his group.  
He noticed there were only four of them.

"Hey." His deep growled in mild confusion. "Hey...hey guys where is Toki?"

Indeed the Norwegian guitar player was missing. Pickles and Murderface glanced around, but Skiwsgaar merely pointed his thumb behind him. "He rans aways as soon as we walks into heres. Like a moose lookings at car lights he looks."

"You mean deer in headlights?" Pickles caught on.

"Ja, like a rabbits that sees a fox."

Even though the entire band had met Anja, Toki's scary, silent mother, none of them made the connection between the fear she inspired in him and the Catholic nun that was lounging in the lobby.

"Well, uh...go look for him then." Nathan ordered the tall Swede.

"What? Whys me? Asks Murderface, waste _his_ times."

"Isn't this your country? It should be easy for you to find him. C'mon how many people can there be in Sweden?"

"I don't wants to look for the stupids scardy-cats dildo! He cans fend offs for himself!"  
"Just **do it**!" Nathan's growl had lost its questioning edge and become the full roar of authority that drove the female fans wild.

They glared at each other for a second before Skwisgaar took off his guitar, handed it to Pickles and went outside, where the snow was beginning to fall heavily.

At that moment Charles returned. "Where is Skwisgaar going?"

"To look for Toki, the little gay dildo ran away again."

Charles blinked. "He has his dethphone, why not just call him?"

"Uh...I guess none of us thought of that."

The fastest guitar player in the world stomped around unfamiliar streets of his native country.

"_Dumma lilla dildo som rinner av, jag ska smälla honom_!" He muttered to himself.

Coming back to Sweden had always been an unsavoury idea for him, since there was always the chance any of these random jack-offs in the street had banged his mom. At least they did not land in his hometown, where it was not a chance, but a _certainty_.

He kicked the snow in front of him, wondering what was wrong with Toki. The guy went from hugging everyone in the band and giving them teddy bears one day to pouring pig intestines on himself and setting fire to Mordhouse to sobbing and eating ice cream by himself in the corner. Definitely not normal behaviour. Why couldn't he party, get drunk, do drugs and bang groupies like the rest of the band? Maybe he was sick. Maybe he had that illness they saw on TV. What was it called? Bicycle polar disorder? Bicycle polar bear? He would ask Charles to give Toki some medicine so he would get over his polar bear disorder so he wouldn't have to babysit him anymore. He wasn't a_ guvernant_.

"_Har du sett en vuxen man som agerar som ett barn i behov av ett smiska_?" He asked angrily at a random pedestrian, who may or may not have rubbed genitals with his mother in the past.

Eventually he found himself in a park, finding the rhythm guitar player huddled and shivering and the foot of a tree.

_He betters not bes crying_. "Toki, let's go, my assholes is freezing. Let's go backs to the hotels."

Toki looked up and to Skiwsgaar's surprise he was not crying. His lips looked rather blue though, and he was shivering fiercely.

"Whats wrongs with you?"

"I sits down on the park benchs to look at the hedgehogs burrow in the snow, but it was wets and now my pants are frozen."

They stared at each other for a moment before Skiwsgaar lost his composure. He began to laugh loudly, and it took a lot of restraint not to point as well.

"It's not funnys! My balls freeze!" Toki tried to protest, but the taller man's laughter was contagious and he cracked a smile too.

The band's lead guitarist laughed until his sides hurt, wiping tears from his eyes. This stupid little trek was almost worth it just for that.

His dethphone started a guitar riff. "Charles has texted messages the name of the hotels in case we forgets and our rooms numbers."

His face fell "Whys is there only threes rooms? There's fives of us!"

"Six." Toki corrected.

"Stills! This means we haves to shares! Sharings is gay!"

Skiwsgaar knocked loudly on the door of room 338, where Charles was sleeping. Oh he was going to let him have it. Rockstars did not share rooms! Toki shuffled uncomfortably behind him. The ice in his pants had melted and now it looked like he had pissed himself. It wasn't fair to have the look of having been drunk off his ass without actually having been drunk off his ass.

The door opened and instead of a straight, serious, suited up and bespectacled Charles; the man that answered was wearing a robe and rosy cheeks and was smirking. If Skiwsgaar had been less self-centered, he would have noticed that his band manager was drunk.

"What is this all abouts? I will not shares a room with Tokis! I demand my owns rooms! How am I supposed to-"

Without warning, Charles shoved one of the suitcases at him. "We leave early tomorrow. So I suggest you two go to bed right away. There is a change of clothes in that bag for both of you. You guys can call a couple of girls if you like, but just remember that you cannot do it on Dethklok's dollar. We are still paying for the damage done to the palace. Any food or girls you call to your room is out of your own pocket."

"Thats ridiculous! I never pays girls to-"

"Good night." And he shut the door.

Skiwsgaar stared dumbly at the door without moving. He had never been cut off like that, especially not from Charles.

Eventually Toki spoke. "Can we go into our rooms now? My pants ams wet and I ams hungry."


	2. Alone together

It was a huge room by the standards of mere mortals, but the two spoiled rockstars found it cramped and tiny. Toki walked up to the nightstand. The alarm clock read 4:01 and it was next to a bible in English. Touching it as little as possible, he dropped it into the nightstand drawer and closed it noisily. He felt better when he could not see it.

"I wants the bed on the lefts!" He jumped on it, boots and all and bounced, wetting the cover.  
"Whatevers, I stills cannot believe Charles gives us dildo room like this. How ams I supposed to get drunk and bang sluts?"  
"I thought we ams supposed to leave tomorrow at eight? Maybe we should sleeps?"  
"I ams not sleeping until I comes!"  
"Well we could calls a slut..." He took out his dethphone, wondering why there was no "slut" app that they could just use.

"Forgets it, I spent all my moneys on a bed made of Russian Barguzin sables and I don'ts pay sluts, they ams come to me willingly always."  
He sat down on his bed, kicking off his boots. He turned on the TV, looking for a porno channel. After a few minutes of flicking, he found one featuring threesomes. The two girls were young, in their 20's, almost too young for his taste. Why was it so hard to find pornos with mature women? In Mordhaus he had his personal TV programmed to the cougar channel, but he knew it was unlikely to find that in a tiny hotel in Ekshärad, unless the owner had similar tastes.

He undid his skull belt buckle and spat on his hand. "Okays, Toki, I ams going to jacks off. I guess you cans do that too, but you ams not to looks at me. That ams gay."  
For a second he thought Toki was overenthusiastic about threesomes but then he realized the younger guitarist took off his pants to change into dry pajamas. He quickly averted his eyes back to screen, realizing he almost broke his own rule. Fortunately, Toki was too busy rummaging through the bag Charles gave them to notice.

"Oh no, wheres is it?" He emptied the bag, spilling small bottles of vodka, condoms, water-based lubricant and extra clothes. He felt the inside of the empty bag with increasing anxiety. Skwisgaar tried to ignore him while he indulged himself.

Toki finally threw his bag aside. "I don't have my _kanin_! Charles knows thats I needs my _kanin_ when ams snowing!"

He turned to Skwisgaar. "What shoulds I do? I needs to sleep but-"  
"I tolds you not to looks at me you dildo! You ams making this gay!"

Toki averted his gaze and started hugging himself and shivering. Skwisgaar knew he could keep this up the entire night (what was left of it) if he tried to ignore it. He sighed, exasperated.  
"What do you needs a rabbits for, Tokis?"  
"I needs to hold on to it when it snows, otherwise I don'ts sleeps."  
"Toki, thats is, how do you say, infcredilby gays."  
"Well, I needs it!"  
"And I needs my sluts, but Charles is being a dildo and not taking care of us. Finds somethink else."

Toki grabbed one of his pillows and hugged it close. He held it there for a few minutes, trying to relax, but it was not working. Suddenly the moaning from the TV stopped and there was the sound of static. He looked up to see the colour bars.  
"Fucks!" Skwisgaar cursed and tried flicking to other channels. No more pornos, just the weather and a z-list movie about aliens in German.

Toki glanced at the world's fastest guitarist. He wanted to get at least some sleep before tomorrow, and it wasn't much different from what he did with the groupies...

He quickly walked over to Skwisgaar's bed and jumped on it, his knees nearly touching Skwisgaar's feet.  
The blonde guitarist jumped in surprise, yanking himself so hard it hurt.  
"Ow! Tokis, what the fucks are you doing? Get the fucks off my bed! You ams making us both gay!"

"If I sucks your dick, will you let me sleep with you?"  
"What the fucks? Do I look gays to you? I will not have secks with a mans! No!"  
"I meants really sleeping! Please Skiwsgaar, otherwise I ams not rested tomorrows!"  
"Mens sucking dick is the ultimate gays!"  
"Can'ts you think me a groupie?"  
"Sluts ams not have ugly mustaches!"  
"That ams not true! I've seen grandmas go out of your room with mustaches!"

Skwisgaar frowned. It was true that some of the women he had slept with had facial hair, but women were soft. Toki was the most musclebound band member, he'd seen his washboard abs in the hot tub (with a small amount of jealousy) several times. On the other hand, he was so used to finishing inside someone that right now his hands were doing a poor job by comparison.

"Eh..." He hesitated.

Toki took this a sign of consent and grabbed the blonde's hard dick. He swallowed most of it and then let go as Skwisgaar moaned loudly. He didn't know what he was expecting for the taste, but it wasn't much different from the taste of human skin he knew from licking the groupies. He decided the best way to do this was to pretend it was a grape popsicle(his favourite). So he alternatively sucked and licked, focusing on the tip because that's where popsicles have the most juice when they're stored upside down.

Skwisgaar was enjoying himself so much he forgot to complain about how homoerotic this was. Toki was better than many of the groupies (though few things compared to the grandmas without teeth) and aside from occasionally feeling the younger's mustache rub against his thighs, he could almost imagine it was a woman.  
A woman with dry split ends and broad shoulders and abdominals that you cut diamonds in. He shook his head, trying to ignore Toki's hard muscles pressing against his legs. Did this guy spend all his free time working out? Is this why he didn't want sluts? Because he'd rather spend his time petting cats and doing sit ups?  
"Ah..." He knew he was close. "Toki, you better swallows. Otherwise -ah- you ams sleepings alone."  
"Huh?" The brunette tried to ask through a mouthful of Norse demigod.

Not wanting it to risk it, Skwisgaar put his hand on the top of Toki's head as he felt himself coming. He bit his lip to keep from making noise, but it was hard to. Toki swallowed most of it but pulled back when he felt he was choking. Skwisgaar's arms were too weak from pleasure to try to stop him.

Their eyes met at that moment and Skwisgaar felt that this moment was more gay than the entirety of the oral sex had been. Toki mouth was dripping with a bit of saliva and semen and he looked inquisitively at his guitar superior.  
"Skwisgaar, I ams feeling funny in my pants area."

The Swede glanced down, and sure enough, Toki was hard. Leave it to Toki to makes this even more gays.  
"What should I do?" He shifted uncomfortably.  
Skwisgaar rolled his eyes. They were way past the line that Nathan and Pickles would have said is the gay limit. Murderface would say they might as well put on pink lacy dresses and chop off their dicks. At this point, one more thing would not make a difference.

"Dumbass, you haves to take your dick out."  
And he yanked Toki's bunny pajama pants down.

-

"Well boys, I hope you had a good rest, we have a full schedule today." Charles managed to be efficient and professional through a hangover. The other band members were not as good disguising their hang ups from last night.

Skwisgaar seemed to trying to stand as far away from Toki as he humanely could, while Toki was subtly (or what he thought was subtle) shuffling towards him. Nathan was glaring at Charles with a confused frown that had been on his face since the two of them shared a room last night and the manager broke into the mini-bar.  
Charles wanted to laugh, but he knew he was one of the few men that could try to braid Nathan Explosion's hair in pigtails and not get a Death Metal punch in the nose. Pickles looked smug and indifferent to Murderface's death glare. Granted, his glare was somewhat lessened by his blackened eye. Despite being the shortest member of the band, Pickles could always hold his own in a fight.

Charles nodded at this motley group of grown men that acted like teenagers. His boys. "Dethklok away." He said this without a hint of irony, ignoring most of the band's rolling eyes.


End file.
